In His Hands

Sunday was Baby Dedication at our church. I had been looking forward to it for so long-it was definitely a milestone for me! Of course, we know that in no way is it Lanie and Lindy's moment of salvation-but an opportunity to show everyone that we as parents are committed to raising them in a Christian home that will encourage, and hopefully one day soon lead to their own relationships with Christ. I thought I would tell everyone the story of their little lives. Even though they are only 6 months old, they already have such a miraculous story to tell. I apologize in advance for the length of the blog!

On February 15, 2007, Kyle and I went to the doctor after my positive pregnancy test. We were pretty excited about it...until we got in the waiting room and found every other pregnant person in town there! We had to wait an hour before getting the ultrasound! As we were sitting in the waiting room-Kyle commented on the fact that Molly was such a surprise and it was so much fun to reveal the pregnancy because no one was expecting it. He said that everyone knew this time that we wanted another baby and that there just wasn't much excitement... Then, out of nowhere, he said, "Well, maybe they'll tell us we're having twins!--Would't THAT shock everbody!" NO ONE was more shocked than US!

I'll NEVER forget the look on his face when the ultrasound tech looked at me and asked, "Have you been on Clomid?"!! After I told her no, she showed us two tiny little beating hearts-Baby A and Baby B. We were shocked-to say the least. Then the toture began... They sent us back out in the waiting room for another hour with about 5 pictures to stare at. Kyle had to go outside to breathe and I just sat in the chair laughing out loud every now and then in disbelief! There happen to be two other girls sitting right by me that were pregnant with twins so I couldn't help but listen to their pregnancy stories. I was freaking out the whole time. Kyle and I couldn't even look at each other without cracking up.

As soon as I saw my doctor-she was very quick to inform us that a twin pregnancy is super high risk and that I needed to be very careful about telling people-I was only 7 weeks pregnant. After we left we went straight to our parents and told them. Their reactions were hilarious! I continued to see my regular OB every week. As the weeks went on, my doctor got more and more concerned about the babies. It seemed that Baby A (Lanie) had a normal amount of fluid around her and Baby B (Lindy) had very little. They were also measuring 1-2 weeks apart. My doctor went ahead and referred me to a high-risk specialist at 16 weeks. When we went to this doctor, he informed us that he believed that what our twins were experiencing is called TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome). To make a long story short...twin A is taking all of the nutrients, twin B would continue to decline and eventually die-putting twin A at a high risk for many things, including death. So this doctor continued to keep a close watch on me for two weeks and at that time decided to send us to Houston to see a Fetal Interventionist to schedule a surgery that would greatly decrease the risk to A if B passed away.

We went to Houston for the first time when I was 18 weeks pregnant. We decided that it would be best to take his dad with us in case of bad news. We were so glad we did! When we got the the appointment, I had to endure a 1 1/2 hour ultrasound. The tech measured and remeasured about 50 times, it felt! When that was finally over-the doctor came in and asked us what we were told about why we were there. We told him TTTS and he said, "Well, I don't think it's that it at all." We were stunned and continued to listen (almost an out of body experience) while he told us that our baby, Baby B (Lindy), looked like she had several things wrong with her. For one, he said it looked like she had an open neural tube defect like spina bifida. He showed us where at her tailbone it was still open and said she would probably have some paralysis-to what degree, he didn't know. He said she had a lot of fluid in her brain that would maybe be hydrocephalus, and that she had very little fluid around her and would most likely not grow. Before we knew it, we were in a room with a genetic counselor talking about doing an amniocentesis. We were totally overwhelmed!

They let us leave the office and go back to the hotel so we could decide what we wanted to do about the amnio. They told us that it would rule out several disorders and tell us if our babies appeared to be "normal". But they cannot force you to have one, only advise... They said if we had the test, afterwards we would get together and talk about "options". So we left. We went to the hotel, told Kyle's dad what was going on, and I was so scared. We went to eat and decided to have the amnio. I just felt like I had to do everything I could for these babies. Just so you know, two babies = two amnios. Not fun. It was very painful (even though Kyle tried to tell me it wasn't). -Apparently Coach Machen showed up for the procedure!

Then Kyle went to get his dad from the waiting room. We needed some more ears because after the day we had already had-we would probably forget something important they said to us. So we went in a conference room and I felt like we were on Grey's Anatomy. All three of us were there, two interns, the head nurse, a student and a doctor with a dry erase board. He quickly went over everything he thought was happening with the babies so we would all be clear about it. Then he told us that we had three options. #1 He told us that he did not know our belief system-but that we were young and maybe would want to end the whole pregnancy to not have to "deal with it". #2 Do nothing and wait to see what happens. He felt as though B would eventually die-putting A at a 50% chance of a normal existence, 25% chance of severe retardation due to blood clotting (they shared a placenta), or 25% chance that she would die just from the passing of B. #3 Selective reducing the pregnancy to a singleton pregnancy-basically giving A a better chance of survival-but no guarantee that she would survive anyway.

After he told us option #3 (which I knew was coming), he then proceded to tell us all of the ways that they could selectively reduce my pregnancy. Please note that the whole time he is talking I am feeling BOTH babies moving in my tummy! I have never been so mortified in all of my life. He left the room with his crew so that we could process everything. I was shaking and all I remember is my father-in-law looking at us with tears in his eyes telling us that no matter what, these babies were in Jesus' hands and there was nothing we could do to change that. -That God loved us and those babies so much. We left the office that day with very little hope of having twins.

We got back to town and continued to see my specialist for the next two weeks. He was also shocked at the diagnosis the Houston doctor gave us. Told me that I needed to pray for discernment about what to do (he knew the options and couldn't advise us). He is a wonderful Christian man, who was never afraid to talk about God with us. I won't go into detail about this doctor-most of you know the story about him from my emails during the whole thing. Just know that BOTH of my doctors (my regular OB and the specialist) are amazing people.

At 20 1/2 weeks, I asked to go back to Houston to see this doctor again. My doctor told me that if we decided to reduce the pregnancy, they would not go back in there to check if anything had changed. They would just do the procedure. So we wanted to see if his opinion was different after two weeks. We went back to Houston and this time instead of six things on the doctor's list, there were like two or three. It was the same scenario-the conference room, the interns, the dry erase board, the options. At this appointment, we were given a date where we had to decide what to do. I couldn't be past 24 weeks and have a selective reduction in Texas.

Please do not misunderstand me... I am NOT for abortion or selective reduction in a case where a baby is just unplanned or unwanted. I know that God is the giver and creator of life. I have a child. I know what those ultrasounds become! Here we have two babies. Two people to consider. Do you wait and allow one baby to be in danger-knowing the situation is so grim even the best doctors offer no hope? Or do you seize the opportunity to try for one happy ending? I wanted God to tell me right then what to do. It was so complicated by the fact that every doctor basically gave Lindy 0% chance of survival. We were so torn. I can't begin to explain the emotional pain I went through. It ate at me all day every day because I am a Christian. Weren't things supposed to be more black and white for us??!! At that point, I quit working. It was all I could do to be who Molly needed at the time. I couldn't take on a class of first graders. (Plus I was put on bed rest.)

Every week that passed the appointments got more scary, but at some point we noticed that after several weeks, things seemed to improve a little with B. Suddenly, she had the same amount of fluid around her as A did. However, she was still measuring a lot smaller than A. They still didn't think she would make it or have any quality of life. My doctor went through the decision process with us--but never offered false hope. He always told us that he was praying for us. He told us he wouldn't want to be in this situation where there seemed to be no good outcome. At every appointment, I would sit in his office for about half and hour and talk about my own battle with knowing what the right thing to do was. He never, nor did my regular OB, ever encourage me or discourage me from choosing selective reduction. Basically me and the babies were "grey area". They both did, however, remind me each week that we have an incredible God who is bigger than the situation we were in. They told me many times that I would never be the same person again no matter what happened. They were so right!

I remember one time at an appointment we asked him if his opinion of the babies had changed--basically asking if there was any hope at all. Of course we didn't want to have to decide to reduce the pregnancy and I really didn't want anyone to tell me what to do. What a horrible thing to give advice about! All we wanted was a shred of hope to cling to. He told us like this, "I am working for that baby on the right (Baby A). If we can get one healthy baby, I'll be happy. That one over there (B)-is in God's hands." (title of the blog)

So at some point, after a ton of praying and being prayed for, we just decided that we were going to move forward-forget the "options". These babies were in God's hands and we would just have faith and hope that they would be okay. On July 4th, as I was sitting down with a huge plate of ribs, my doctor called me to come in for the daily ultrasound. He had been playing golf and I was at his beckoning call! :) I will never forget that day! He did the ultrasound, and looked at me and said, "I think that little one has a chance...she's however many grams...and she really could make it." Of course he knew the amount of grams-I don't. So he put me in the hospital on July 6th. I was put in there knowing that I would not leave until there was a baby or babies-no matter how long that took. I had an ultrasound everyday, was hooked up to very uncomfortable monitors, and was seen by at least two doctors everyday until they were born. My doctor decided that they were going to be born on July 31st after he discovered that Lindy wasn't growing very much. He thought she would do better on the outside!

Although I was a little relieved that I would soon be breathing fresh air again, I knew (and was reminded by every doctor) that there were no guarantees and that this may be a long road. Even though I knew things at this point were uncertain, I had incredible peace. Lanie and Lindy were born at 2:01 and 2:03 that day and they both cried! They were both so very tiny. Neither one was put on a ventilator. They both spent a long time in the NICU. Lanie was there for 2 months and Lindy was there for 3. Both babies have done remarkably well!

Who knows why these things happen to God's people?! At that time in my life I was already emotionally exhausted from losing my best friend. I am so thankful that I was raised in a Christian home and knew where to turn when the road got too bumpy! Even though my faith was strong there were many, many dark days. Days when I stayed in bed. Days when I was unsure and scared. There were several times I would just pray and beg for it to not be happening to us. In the midst of my prayers, I felt the presence of my God--and I knew it was going to be okay whatever happened. I can't explain it! And although this was the most trying time of my life-I am most grateful for it. I have been changed. Perhaps more than I have ever been. I now know first hand the power of prayer. I was reminded that people really are "good". We have so many family and friends who prayed for us, cooked for us, and gave us our space when we needed it-and really never asked for details. I found that God holds us in the dark places and reminds us of His faithfulness when we least expect it. I found that nothing is more powerful than prayer and that He still performs miracles. I know that through this experience the Machens and Armstrongs found out what we were made of. Thank the Lord we know Him!!

I am so unbelieveably grateful to God that He stretched me and used us, and our precious girls in ways that we may never even know. I can't even begin to imagine my life without Lanie and Lindy. I am so blessed that God, for whatever reason, showed favor on my family and allowed us to have BOTH of these little girls. You will NEVER meet a more humbled, thankful, and proud mommy in the world! Praise Him for His plans for us!


Baby Dedication was something I would think about while I was in the hospital. Would there be two babies there? One? None? As I prayed for our miracle, I imagined us holding two baby girls before our church and God. We had already given Him control of their lives. It was out of our hands. I had just hoped that one day they would both be in our hands! ...and here they are! Praise Him!

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."
Hebrews 10:23